Make things up about
your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument
with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball
Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud.
You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze
your opponent. "Peach Pshawski, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows
she has a bad case of ... "
Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting
for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-READER
to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
Therefore, post everywhere.
Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
can't possibly be that you're a ******. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
Lawsuit threats: This
is the reverse of Commandment #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening
a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted
to the wrong group, Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See
you in court, Didley."
Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states outright
that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek
hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta preferences, then Ralph's obviously
foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming.
You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other
favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," "fetuccini alfredo,"...
Tell 'em how smart you
are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you
have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks
of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic.'"
Accuse your opponent
of censorship. It is your inalienable right to post whatever the hell you want
to the net. Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to
alt.fan.karl-malden.nose is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
Doubt their existence:
You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center
of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, they
do not exist! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat
in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some
point during your wonderful career as a flamer, you will undoubtedly end up in
a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your
lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this
point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your
mother does strange things with ... "
The Golden Rule of Flaming:
May your flames
be witty, insulting, interesting, paradoxical, funny,
even inconsistent -
but never, ever, let them be boring.
to Joe Talmadge, Dian de Sha, Chris Rolleston - there are other versions.