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Sung
to the tune of the Major General's song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates
of Penzance; "I am the very model of a modern major-general".
I am the very model of a Newsgroup Personality
I intersperse obscenity
with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted
to,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. Your
bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the
one who pays the bill downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous,
and no one would be blaming you
For thinking me a dickhead after I've been
rudely flaming you. I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used
to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning
is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which
is larger than Bolivia. The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest
and drollery,
Are not just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say
I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings
of one who's at the limit of his sanity. If only I could get a life, as
many people tell me to;
If only mum could find a circus freak-show she could
sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose
all my fingers in a mishap with machinery; If I survive to forty, which
is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more
grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable prat you hate? But while
I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It's simply isn't
safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn
on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity. I
always have the last word; so, with utmost finality,
That's all from me, the
model of a Newsgroup Personality. Tom Holt (1998)
**I'd
be grateful for any further information on authorship. | 
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