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Sung to the tune
of the Major General's song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance;
"I am the very model of a modern major-general". I am
the very model of a Newsgroup Personality
I intersperse obscenity with tedious
banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted to,
On
all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. Your bandwidth
I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays
the bill downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no one
would be blaming you
For thinking me a dickhead after I've been rudely flaming
you. I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't
know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but
consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than
Bolivia. The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are not just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright,
but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limit
of his sanity. If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only mum could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off
to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap
with machinery; If I survive to forty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn
to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and
objectionable prat you hate? But while I have this tiresome urge to prance
around and show my face,
It's simply isn't safe for normal people here in
cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would
be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity. I always have the last word;
so, with utmost finality,
That's all from me, the model of a Newsgroup Personality.
Tom Holt (1998)
**I'd
be grateful for any further information on authorship. | 
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